Sacred Sexuality Feed

Sacred Sexuality: Benwa Balls! I'll bet I've got your attention now !


Warning ~ If you blush easily or are under 18 than this post is not for you! We're going to talk about shhhhh...SEX:)

Benwa balls

I cracked up the other day when I went to the local Ambience store to help one of my clients choose her first vibrator. As we went to the counter I noticed a small package with the words.. "Ben wa Balls just like those used by Christian in 50 Shades of Grey". I was amazed to see these sex toys which have been used happily by women all over the world for centuries being repackaged to suit a newer, less familiar and less experienced American public. I lost it..I didn't know that they'd ever gone out of style:) I bought a pair of them for fun but I  have to say..go to an Oriental shop and get the real thing. These were cheap and unimpressive!

I'm a 50 plus year old woman who cut her teeth on the likes of Colette and Anais Nin so quite frankly I found "50 Shades " as a novel rather silly and slightly boring. My apologies to any and all who loved it. That being said I had to laugh. Ben wa Balls, most commonly called "orgasm balls" , "Geisha Balls" or "Venus Balls" should really be given to a woman as soon as she has her first child right along with a case of wonderful ale..."good for the breast milk" and a gift certificate for babysitting and a night away with her husband! 

I say this because aside from being very successful at creating the desired sexual response , Ben wa balls have the ability to tone the muscles of the vaginal walls. Any woman who has ever had a baby knows just how important this is. There's a reason that our mothers (well at least my mother!) always said to do your Kegal exercises. Ben wa balls can be made of sterling silver, stainless and I've  seen some beautiful ones made of jade. The most important thing is that they are heavy enough to create a feeling of fullness in the vagina so that you involuntarily have to contract your muscles to hold them in. Yes...that feeling inspires almost continual amourousness.

Excuse me..that's the whole point for a guy like Christian Grey.

Yes..if you do this one of the side effects is that you will constantly be dragging your partner into bed but really is that so bad? 

The other side effects of using Ben wa Balls are very important but very very practical. Childbirth really loosens up the muscles of the pelvic floor. Sneezing can bring on bursts of incontinence in even the youngest woman. Instead of worrying about it, buy yourself a pair of Ben wa balls and use them. Regularly. The benefits are amazing. You will be able to control your muscles such that as soon as you begin to sneeze they take over and incontinence is a thing of the past. The other thing that happens is that your muscles become so strong that you can control and contract them easily and that means alot more pleasure for yourself and your partner in bed. 

Ben wa Balls are easy to use. Seriously... Please don't be squeamish! Just google them, buy a pair , some lubricant that you like and practice inserting and removing them a couple of times. Better yet? Let your partner do it!  In case you're wondering, they can't get lost and if you're that worried about it buy a pair with the string attached to both. No..they won't fall out!

Do this for yourself  and your partner !

Trust me. 

Sacred Sexuality: The Magic of Honesty and the Seductiveness of Mystery



I have no idea who to attribute this too. I just loved it:)


I answered the most fascinating question on Facebook yesterday. It was asked by a lovely young friend of mine, a beautiful young woman who is learning about herself and how she falls in love. The question was about honesty and how important it was to health of a relationship? It was provocative and really got me thinking about the very nature of man /woman relationships. I gave her this answer.


For me honesty in my relationships is paramount and to be sure because I’m human, it’s not always easy... especially when the truth is an awful tale to tell.. when my husband tells me something about myself that I don’t want to hear or when I have to do the same for him. Honesty in the face of real fear takes a serious choice of courage but that’s what feeds the roots of a healthy relationship. Knowing that your friend or partner will always be that honest with you is what builds the foundation of your hearts true home. My husband and I use a tool to communicate that we learned long ago, a technique we call RAFT which simply means Reluctant and frightened to share. If one of us has something to say to the other that we are afraid will wound we’ll say, “I have a RAFT” and then the other knows that what’s coming is something that we want to share but are deeply concerned about it’s effect on the relationship. Knowing this makes it easier to listen to each other because using this technique frames the words in love, not anger. Sharing in this way leaves the opportunity to be truthful but also receptive. It’s a delightful exercise in enchantment for your mind. Try it for yourself and watch what happens. You'll thank me. 

All that being said... A woman has to honor her mysteries and sometimes   withhold that which isn't yet ready to be shared... It's essential to our very natures. The thing I notice that's interesting and consistent with so many of the young women I work with? They feel the need to dump everything about themselves all at once into a new relationship as if somehow that helps the man to know or understand them. My experience is that it overwhelms the relationship and doesn't nurture the deeper shoots of trust and caring so that they can root and blossom. I’ve listened to my son and many of his friends talk about this over the years… “It’s just too much, I end up feeling like her therapist instead of her lover and even when I want to get closer, the ghost of all of that leftover emotional baggage that somehow I’m responsible for right now, in that very moment seems like just too much. What about me? I want a woman who can grow up without me, who can take responsibility for herself and then we can enjoy learning about and sharing life with each other. I wish that she was actually hiding something because then I could have fun finding it!”

In his own way he’s pointing to something that I’ve definitely noticed over the last few years. The last several decades have spawned chronicles of self help books, workshops, vast amounts of diet books, new age books, religious dating books, body image books; basically anything and everything that you wanted to ever know about the cult of “ WORKING ON YOURSELF”.


To be a woman is to have our very own mysteries; we bleed every month, conceive life and turn ourselves inside out to bring that life into the world. Even if we adopt our children the experience is just as potent. We feed our children with milk from our breasts or that we’ve created with our loving hands. We know how to love them, heal them and wipe their tears. We know instinctively if something is wrong with them. When we reach a certain age, we hold our blood and instead of being mothers to our children, we birth our power into the world. I know that I’m going to probably take a lot of heat for this comment, but I believe it’s true…Men are naturally the hunters, we are intuitively the healers. I don’t think that it’s the other way around and knowing this doesn’t make us subservient to them in anyway. It make us the yin to their yang. It makes us receptive , elegant and mysterious and it compels them to search out the truths that we already know because we act as their muse.

In my experience it's in the quiet, dark spaces that a relationship becomes full as well as the shared, lovely knowing each other that happens when you pour your heart out. It's in the quiet places where your inner knowing can listen well enough to discern fact from fiction. If you're lying to each other, that silence is awkward.... If you're just being quietly together and simply perceiving the space between, then that’s where the magic can begin to quietly happen....