"We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been - a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free." Starhawk
From time to time, I've found myself in relationships that were difficult without really understanding why I had chosen to be there in the first place. I think that we're always looking for our soulmates on this planet and that sometimes in our inherent human loneliness we can settle for milk chocolate more easily than we can wait for the 70% Green and Black bar. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with milk chocolate- NOT AT ALL...there are some people that for them a Hersheys bar with almonds is their personal nirvana, just not for me.
When I settle in my relationships for behaviors that I don't want to paticipate in and I tolerate behaviors from others that I find energetically disruptive and would normally never put up with, I know that I'm settling for what is heartsickening for me and does not support the greening of my life.
Unhealthy relationships become draining and emotionally deadly to many of us who are very empathic and we tend to allow those relationships (key word here is " allow"!) to take over our lives and feel almost apologetic when we can't tolerate them anymore. There are such things as energy vampires... I've found the current fascination with Hollywood vampires to be very unsettling because almost anyone who works with energy in any way has had to free themselves of a "vampiric" relationship or two and knows that there is definitely more fact than fiction when it comes to that sort of relationship.
People hook on to you when they want something that you have whether it be physical or emotional and because they don't see any way to create it honestly for themselves they settle for trying to take it from you and justify their behavior in whatever way they can. In any situation like this it has everything to do with the emotional security and energy that they crave and believe that they will never have and the insidious part is that you're getting something out of too. Often this is a person who makes you feel needed and wanted. We all want to be known and loved and a person like this will tend to make you feel as if you are the only one in the world who "gets" them. Your ego will love the attention and you'll feel so good about what you do for them, but you won't realize the trade off until it's just a bit too late. You're already hooked and that's when it becomes your responsibility .
It's very sad actually because in my experience people who tend to try to derive their energy from other people have had really deep wounding in their childhoods or even other lifetimes. It's a hard cycle for them to break, that cycle of dependency , shame and anger and what they really needed was to simply be loved listened to and understood.
Strangely enough and because inherently they know the game that they are playing, this same type of person will also get very angry when you begin to question the relationship and try to understand the things that upset you about it. They will often try to psychically and verbally bully you into not reacting and that's where it gets really complicated because of the strange emotional entanglements that you can have when a friendship appears to be very intimate, but is based almost solely upon need. You know if you're in a relationship like this because you feel almost bone dead exhaustion at the thought of it and you start to pick at it in ways that are provocative in a conscious attempt to free yourself. I've seen people who are on the drained end of a relationship like this begin to get physically very weak and practically heartsick. These are all signs that it's time to quickly move on. Your energy will usually return when you've been able to finally disengage emotionally.
To be fair I have seen cases where two people want the relationship to work so much that both parties are willing to do the work that it takes to grow together independently. However, that's pretty rare and more often than not breaking the energetic bonds that you hold between you is the only way to break the spell of a relationship like this because one person is usually getting so much more out of it than the other. I like to encourage the use of ritual for endings like these because I think that as humans we are programmed for it...somehow we need it to inspire us to be bigger than we know ourselves to be.
If you find yourself in a situation or relationship where you know that it's time for it to be over don't delay the ending. Let that person go with love and image the cutting of the energy between you.If you're angry that's fine..do whatever you need to do to separate but without sending energy that could emotionally harm the other because that's just more of the same and Karma IS really a bitch! Besides...you did once really care and that's to be honored, not diminished.
Take care of yourself and don't worry about the other person...they've got their own work to do and they NEED to do it themselves. I tend to view this as an amputation and a cauterization, because you want to cut the cords and then staunch the bleeding as fast as possible. If you feel any adverse energies coming at you, just don't engage. (I know..easier said than done!) Ground yourself and put a shield around you and send the energies back, because they belong to that other being, not to you.
Do something that feels good....plant a flower, a tree ...anything that will grow and do it with the intention of freeing yourself from the bonds of your relationship with the other. Acknowledge that you once cared about the relationship and probably in fact still do but that it no longer serves either if you as it is.
Hatred won't do that...anger will still keep you bound together in ways that you don't need in your life any longer. Acknowledge the deep sadness that comes from ending a relationship that's been toxic for you and understand that you've been a willing participant. There's no geting around that one....your relationships are your responsibility and in allowing it to continue, you've allowed yourself to play the victim..an act that does just as much psychic damage to the other person. Last but not least, as hard as it is, under no circumstances should you be in touch with that person, because once a relationship like this is over, it's over and it takes awhile to heal from the wounding of it. Once you've determined that it's over and done, it doesn't pay to rehash the obvious or as my mother used to say..."stop smacking yourself Beth and wondering why it hurts!" It doesn't matter if the other person involved doesn't understand~ It's important that you do. With real understanding comes freedom and compassion as well as the ability to never let history repeat itself again.
Do the work to energetically extricate yourself because how you feel when it's finally resolved is worth the effort. When relationships that are no longer healthy are removed from your life, everything begins to snap quickly back into focus. The book above by Dion Fortune "Psychic Self Defense" is one of the best books that I've ever read for detailing how to do the work to free yourself from this sort of relationship without causing anymore harm to yourself or THE OTHER PERSON. No hexes, curses, Ill-wishes or other generally bad mojo is EVER allowed !